Yesterday, a former coworker called me. I hadn’t worked this job in over a year, and I hadn’t spoken to her in months. Yet, she called me. The question was simple, cordial. Asked and answered.
But it got me thinking. The question was so trivial, so incredibly mundane that it could have been answered by herself in less time. Nevertheless, she called me. The call was genuine, a real question, not an excuse to talk, not a “how are you?” or “what’s up?” So, why call about something so trivial? Why not just solve it yourself?
I think it was a fundamental difference in our personalities, our experiences. I value independence and self-sufficiency. I’ve spent hours building software to avoid paying a mere $5. I don’t like asking for help, and I hate relying on it.
Others, though, seem to be different. They ask for help, seek out others, and build a network. To these people, it is easier to give a call, to ring someone up with a quick question. Yes, it’s easier, but is it better? Instead of working through it themselves, they rope someone else into their problem. Often, the other person is happy to help, to provide.
But why? Why is such dependence rewarded? Why do we keep helping those who leach off us? We are taught that asking for help is a good thing, that sociability is a virtue and critical to society. But it seems the more I help, the more I am asked to help. Me, I never expect anything in return. This is also taught, that to expect something in return taints the exchange. It seems I become people’s crutches, their safety nets. But I have none of my own.
I’ve started to change. I will ask for help, with no expectations of receiving it. My job has become to ask. They say the worst response is no - the actual worst response is to completely break contact. This happened between me and two guys I knew. Ah well, I guess. I didn’t need them.
Likewise, I stopped going out of my way for others. Toes will be stepped on, and what people think of me is irrelevant. I will not be a crutch, a safety net, or a shoulder to cry on. I will be a friend, honest and true, and nothing more.