I don’t think I’m made for this world.
I stand on an island. Around me, everyone talks. They move like the sea, finding acquaintences and leaving them as the tide rolls in and out. I feel astray.
One of my most trusted friends cut me off today. I’ve always had conflicted feelings towards him, knowing deep down that something awful was brewing. Outside of our friendship, he was always a questionable person - womanizing, yapping, and flaking. Yet together, he changed. I felt seen. But clearly, he felt differently. I asked to talk about it, I just got a soliloquy of a text where an “I don’t want to see you again” would have been enough.
All of my old friends are great people. They’ve stuck with me for the better part of 8 years. But it’s surface level. I enjoy every second we spend together, but am drained afterwards. I can’t get over the feeling that it’s just time squandered. Yet I also feel unable to risk anything real with them. My own anxiety stops me from making the connections I seek. Me, if they knew me, would inevitably push them away.
And if it didn’t, what would be the point? I’d have a few more people to confide in, but in reality, I’d just be asking for pity. That’s no respectable position.
So what am I left with? A lifetime of solitude. I must take my problems into my own hands, because to crack for a second would leave me worse off than before. Daunting, doable, but it wears me down. The mask weighs me down, and my face melts behind it.
This is life, and god damn is it long.